God's up to something in our lives...in my life....because the events of the past 6 months have been some of the most difficult I've gone through. Ever. Yes, I've been through hard things, but nothing terribly awful that just wrecks you. Until this year I've never truly had any thing to grieve or mourn over. My papa's passing this past February was the first thing in my life that has caused true sorrow and deep, deep sadness. And now this. True sorrow and deep, deep sadness like I've never experienced.
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The morning of July 6th I randomly decided to take the one and only pregnancy test in my bathroom cabinet. I laid it on the counter to wait for the results. Went back a minute later to just one line showing and felt a wave of disappointment. Then suddenly right before my eyes that second line that makes the plus sign for a positive test started to slowly but surely appear. SO EXCITING! I think i startled the kids with my squeal and excitement! BABY #3!!!!
I called Zach right away because I am so not one of those wives that can wait and do something super cute to tell their husband. So he gets the "ARE YOU SITTING DOWN!? GUESS WHAT!!!!!" call :)
Exactly a week later I saw some red. Went to bed hoping no more would come, trying not to jump to the worst case scenario. Much to our dismay, more red in the morning. Then enough to leave me stuck on the porcelain throne by 12pm. I didn't want to believe what was happening, but deep down I knew. Baby #3 was exiting my body as fast as he/she came. A terrible, awful feeling as a mom and a woman.
From the moment I saw that plus sign I had already started dreaming and imagining life with another precious addition. Will it be a boy or a girl? We have all the clothes and stuff for either gender, so that's exciting! Can't wait to find out so I know if I'll be going through and organizing Easton's old clothes or Copelynn's old clothes. Will Copelynn and Easton share a room when this little one comes? Bunk Beds? That'll be fun! I should find out more of our family's middle names so maybe we could pass one down. How will we arrange the carseats in the van? How will Easton like being a big brother? Uh oh...middle child syndrome. Lord help us. Can't wait to take family pictures when my belly shows more....
Then all of the sudden all of those exciting things and plans and thoughts come to a screeching halt. The baby clothes will stay in their boxes. Copelynn and Easton will stay in their own rooms. We don't need to look at new infant carseats or strollers. We don't need to plan Zach's vacation time for when I'm due. Don't need to think about names. Don't need to inventory my maternity clothes. Don't need to plan out our announcement or think about gender reveal ideas.
All of it....just dead. Tossed out the window.
And instead of sharing exciting news with the family, we're going back and sharing awful, terrible news.
Instead of watching what I eat more closely and stowing the Malibu rum in the deep freezer for the next 10 months I want to take that stuff out and pour two glasses.
Because it is so sad. It is something I didn't want to believe as the hours went on that day. And as the days passed by into a week and then two weeks. I wanted to think I was the exception to the rule this time. I wanted to think God was doing a miracle and we were going to have this crazy story about how we thought we lost him/her but we actually didn't. I wanted to do blood work ordered by my midwife and find out we were actually still pregnant.
But the days went on. The weeks went on. The call about the blood work came like a judge banging a gavel on a desk. There was no more wondering. I had to stop hoping. I had enough evidence to stop crossing my fingers for some kind of miracle. I had to face the harsh reality.
How do you do that? How do you go about loosing something so precious?
This is where I've had to give myself permission and space to just come undone. To weep. To be angry. To be sad. To be all the things.
Because I know I can't skip the process and just move on. I do not like to be sad. I don't like to feel those low feelings. I hate it. But what I've learned in the past weeks is that the Lord is right there with me in those places. My fear is that I'll get stuck there. But He won't let me. He knows sadness. He knows loneliness. He knows grief. He knows sorrow. He bared it all. And I'm thankful for a strong tower such as Him as we walk through such a hard thing.
And of course we have the same questions everyone who goes through something like this...
Why God? Why give such a gift just to take it away? How do I praise you through this? How do I say you are good when you let something like this happen?
I've walked with Jesus long enough to know that he is not afraid of my questions.
And I've walked with Jesus long enough to know that his word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path in the darkest moments. Even in the doubt and fear and anger, He comforts me. And that's what I've experienced the most as I draw near to him. His presence is comfort. Comfort that cannot be found in anyone or thing else. Not in my husband not in my mom not in my friends. And Supernatural peace to a weeping soul. Indescribable love to a mama's broken heart.
"In all their distress he too was distressed, and the angel of his presence saved them. In his love and mercy he redeemed them; he lifted them up and carried them all the days of old." Isaiah 63:9
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames ill not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43: 1-5
"Fear not for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all." Psalm 34:18-19
"The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." Job 1:21
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways. As the heavens are higher than the Earth, so are my ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9
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