Meaning in Motherhood: Birth Order Blues: A letter to all the babies

There are times I feel like I am learning the same lesson with the Lord over and over and over again. I so often think "why can't I just get this down already. Why do I struggle with this over and over again?" Thankfully Galatians 5:17 reminds us that our flesh and spirit are always in conflict with each other and our flesh's desires are contrary to the Spirit's. So basically until the day we are home with Jesus, we will see our flesh and our spirit battle. And that's okay.

Sigh of relief. How freeing that Jesus reminded us that this is normal, people. We live in a fallen, sinful world and it is no surprise or disappointment to Him that I get to review the same lesson OFTEN.

"The first shall be last and the last shall be first." (Matthew 20:16, Mattew 19:30). It's been a theme my entire life. I am the baby of my siblings and of all my cousins....on BOTH sides of my family. Yes...WOW...I get a heaping pile of the stereotypical "birth order" traits. I was the last one. And I've always had this thing in me that cries out "Don't forget me. Don't leave me out. What about me. I want to be first."

In my first year of Anthem the Lord used our director to so gently bring this "baby of the family" insecurity and mentality to my attention. OH it was so true. And so alive and working. I could look back and see it through my entire life.

"Don't forget me. Don't leave me out. What about me. I want to be first." At some point on the road of always being last, it was like I made a subconscious vow to make sure I didn't feel that way anymore and make sure I was always fighting to be first.

What Jesus showed me 8 years ago and CONTINUES to show me even now as a 27 year old wife and mom, is:

I don't have to be first in anyone else's eyes because I am first in HIS.

What he says in Matthew about "The last shall be first and the first shall be last" is not a death sentence, it is FREEDOM. Freedom to take off the fear and worry and anxiety to always be first. When I stop striving to be first and let myself be last in this world, I will experience being first in JESUS.

And this is where I start to hyperventilate. LAST!? No way.

But I can do this because I know my Heavenly Father's heart. I know that he's got me. I know that he loves me. I know that He is for me. And I truly know now that being first in other's worlds pales in comparison to being first in Jesus'.

And I know that there is no condemnation when I do fail at this. I know that he does not look down on me when I repeat this learning process time and time again. I know he does not shake his head at me for struggling. He just doesn't want me to live on the roller coast ride of finding my security and affirmation and identity in being first in other's eyes or lives or choices. His heart in teaching me this (sometimes the hard way) is for me to have the revelation over and over and over again that all the "firstness" and security and affirmation I need...HE HAS. And he never gets tired of reminding me. He never gets tired of telling me.

Oh thank you Jesus for seeing my heart for what it is and fully, unconditionally loving it. Thank you for being gentle and patient with the babies of the families. You see us. We are first in your eyes and don't have to be in anyone else's.