The day I wanted to quit motherhood

If you follow me on Instagram (@aimee_charnock), you saw what the end of yesterday looked like....but the beginning was not so pretty.

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Copelynn didn't fall asleep until 10:30pm last night after yet another bedtime battle..mind you she usually goes to sleep between 8 and 8:30. She woke up refusing to go back to sleep at 5:30am. Easton was up 3 or 4 times last night with a cough, runny nose, and teeth coming in and also woke up for the day at 5am.  Needless to say, our morning did not start off on a good note.

And I was already in a funk before all of this happened. Disappointed about some things. Frustrated about some things. Etc.

I cried as Copelynn refused to go back to bed. I let out a good ugly cry again after Zach shut the front door to zoom off to work.  Because here I was again; alone with these kids, way too early in the morning, feeling not so well myself...two cranky, sick kiddos who won't sleep and one tired, weary mama.

Not just a physical tired, but an emotional and spiritual funk of weariness that has been clouding my head and heart lately. 

Later that morning a sweet friend brought over some yummy coffee, lunch for Copeylnn, and most importantly some much needed encouragement and love. The kind of encouragement that reminds you of who you are and who you are not. 

I have said out loud multiple times lately "Maybe I should go back to work." For some reason forsaking what I've been called to as a stay-at-home mom seems like the only possible option that will allow us to get out of debt. Also, the thought that I am not good at this stay-at-home mom thing has been rolling around in my mind. Because 2.5 is a difficult age. Because this stay-at-home mom thing is challenging. Because it is the hardest job I've ever done. And in the midst of the struggles, I had forgotten that the thing I wanted to straight up quit is exactly what I've been called to. 

It is funny how the enemy of our souls attacks the very thing that God wants to make you the most useful for his Kingdom. Fiery darts of lies again and again and again. When Copelynn won't listen and challenges me day and night and I loose it, that little whisper in my head says "Maybe someone who doesn't struggle with anger would be better at taking care of the kids." When I look at the debt we so desperately want to pay off that little whisper in my head says "Go back to work, it'll be easier. That's where you should be. You'll be more effective and satisfied." 

Thankfully my friend, my husband, and Jesus said the same thing to me: "That's not who you are. That's not what you're called to." 

Going back to work to make more money is not the answer. 
Going back to work to run away from the struggles of motherhood is not the answer. 
Hiring someone else to care for our kids is not the answer. 

Jesus. Jesus is the answer. Plain and simple.

So, I went to Jesus. I poured out my heart to him and he met me with compassion, grace, comfort, peace and clarity. I listened to this past Sunday's sermon that we missed and WOW talk about TIMELY. These questions were posed in the message:

What have I been called to? To stay home and raise our kids. And to write/blog. 

Am I stewarding well the talents he's given me?  Well, not really. He's given me the passion and talent to write and I haven't been. Why? Because I'm afraid to fail. Because I don't know how to make a blog profitable to support our family. Because I don't know how to make a snazzy web design to attract more readers. Because I don't have money to advertise it. Because it is hard to find time to blog/write. Do people actually want to read what I write? Can I actually do something I love and provide for our family?

There at our kitchen table, my broken weary heart was stirred....like when the sun shines through the grey clouds on a stormy day. Jesus has called me to be a stay-at-home mom. He thinks I'm the best person to raise our kids. He believes in me. He wants to use this stay-at-home mom gig to shape me and me to shape them. 

AND It's not my responsibility to make my writing/blog successful. It is my responsibility to simply write. To be obedient to his calling. It is his job to take it places. It is his job to provide favor. 

As the roller coaster of an emotional day came to an end, I landed at this: I am grateful for this day....the bad and the good moments. Because I was reminded of the love of a great friend, the support of my steadfast husband, and the pursuit of a God who loves me and calls me even when I'm trying to run away and quit.

In response to all of this, I am making the decision to cast all the fears listed above out the window.  I am changing my answer to that 2nd question to a YES. I will be obedient to the call on my life and will be expectant for God to show up as I am obedient to him....in my calling as a stay-at-home mom and in my calling to write.