Update since we Moved

We left the place we called home for 10 years on May 18th.  The place and church where we met, fell in love at, the city we grew together as a young married couple, the place we worked and lived life with our friends in, the place we found out we were pregnant with three precious babies in 5 years.  The place we let our roots go DEEP.  The place we were building our life.

We lived in a fifth wheel camper for 6 weeks. That was interesting.  If you ask Zach, he'll tell you I was weirdly excited. But that excitement wore off quicker than ice melts in the summer.  All the while, two of those six weeks Zach was back in Washington training for his new remote position and I was in Ohio with our three very young children that got less precious and more crazy by the day! I held down the fort...er, the camper, for 12 days and it was trying. I missed my friends. I missed my life. But Zach came back and we all breathed a huge sigh of relief.

So after Zach got back we moved into his parent's basement which kind of resembles a two bedroom + kitchen + living room apartment...connected to their house.

Back track a little bit to April. We listed our house on April 2. Accepted an offer a week and couple days later. Signed all the papers to close the day we left WA: May 18th.  I quit my job in FAITH that we would close May 18th, use the profit of our house to pay off all our debt and therefore be completely financially free for us to not need my income.  And then also, obviously, buy a new house here in Ohio.

Well, fast forward to today, July 22, and we have not closed on our home. The loan that kept getting extended and extended from May to July, that we prayed over and over again to close, finally 100% fell through this past week.

Our house is actually going back onto the market next week for us to start back at square one.

Talk about disappointing. Frustrating. Maddening.  Confusing.

I've felt all sorts of things during this whole process. As if moving our family of 5 across the country wasn't challenging and emotional enough...add in this house nightmare and WOW....lots of tears, lots of desperate cries out to God wondering what in the world is going on.

Going from an incredible 2000 sq foot house with a fenced back yard in a dream of a neighborhood to living like nomads with 3 kids in a new state is less than ideal.

One night while Zach was in WA for work, he let me know for the umpteenth time the loan fell through.  That happened a handful of times, going back and forth.  But this time I found myself sobbing while doing dishes after I finally wrangled the 5, 3, and 1 year olds to bed.  It was all just too much.  Like, I didn't sign up for this, guys!

"God this was NOT the plan."
"God, I told you all my eggs were in your basket."
"I trusted you."
"I quit my job in FAITH that this house was selling."
"I gave up everything and you're not seeing us through."
"I do not see your hand in this"
"I'm going back to Washington."
"I'm not going to church anymore."
"I"m done trusting you."
"This faith life is too hard."

Some of the feelings I had welling up inside of me were not pretty.  But I just let it out. Because I know God isn't scared of my feelings. He's bigger than my negativity. He's bigger than my disbelief. He's bigger than my nearsightedness. He's bigger than my doubt. He's bigger than my sorrow. He's bigger than my hurt.  He can handle my big, big feelings.

I proceeded to tell him "God I HAVE to have a word from you. I cannot function as the mom I have to function as with all of this going on unless you give me a divine, heaven-sent word tonight."

God: "Daniel 3"

Flip to Daniel 3 in my Bible.

It's the story of the three dudes that get thrown into a fire but come out unhurt.

And here is the heaven-sent word that I have been clinging to since that night...in the midst of my big disappointment, big sorrow, big frustration, big confusion:

"He ordered the furnace heated 7 times hotter than usual and commanded some of the strongest soldiers in his army to tie up Shadrach, Meshach, and Abendego and throw them into the furnace." Daniel 3:19-20

Our situation felt like THIS.  The stress, the pressure, and bad luck has been turned up 7 times hotter than we've known.  More disappointment, more out of control and overwhelmed than we've known.

BUT:

"The fire had not harmed their bodies nor was a hair of their heads singed; their robes were not scorched and there was no smell of fire on them." Daniel 3:27

There's the kicker. There's the  promise to hold onto.  He won't let this experience harden our hearts or leave us jaded for the rest of our lives. The damage it should do, it won't.

Deep down, my main fear was this!  I've never trusted God like this before.  And here I am, never more disappointed, either.  This experience has made me question and want to stay in my wallowing doubt, fear, and anger.  But I have a God that cares so much about me and my heart that he  prophesies that my heart won't be hard forever. My heart won't be jaded.

Don't we all come to these moments in our lives where our faith is tested and we really have to decide what we believe and will live?

I've found my peace in feeling the feelings. Expressing them in prayer and writing.  But letting my heart be stirred back to Him by his sweet promises in the Word.  And not allowing my circumstances to override the TRUTH of the Word of God.

Thankfully we have found a wonderful church here that is a little slice of what we knew and loved in Washington. Walking into it is like a big hug from a family member when you've been away for awhile.  A little piece of "home." I look forward to it every Sunday.

And in the midst of this nightmare house process, I've decided to find something to be thankful for everyday and pin it on my wall.  And count the fruit of this season. Because it is there.

Our house goes back for sell soon. If you're interested in an awesome house in Lacey, WA check it out.  If you're interested in following along on this journey, stay tuned :)


Also, if it speaks to you, here's the playlist I've had on repeat:

Oh My Soul - Casting Crowns
God of all my Days - Casting Crowns
Undone - Kim Walker-Smith
Awaken Love - Kim Walker-Smith
Throne Room - Kim Walker-Smith
The Garden - Kari Jobe
Isn't He (This Jesus) - The Belonging Co ft. Natalie Grant
Holy Ground - Passion
Build My Life - Passion