I know I'm called here. I know the truth of what God has called me to do right now. Be mommy. At home with these kids. Knowing this is not my struggle. I know this in the deepest part of my soul. I don't need a pep talk on who God's made me to be. And that I can do it. Or that I'm strong enough or awesome enough to handle it. I read my bible, I pray and talk to Jesus, I hear his voice in the quiet moments with him and in the challenging loud moments. I know all of this. I have a good idea of my identity.
But I'm tired.
I'm so tired.
Maybe of just the responsibility?
A long nap would be nice. Or a vacation. Or just an afternoon of shopping.
Because the responsibility is crushing sometimes.
I'm tired of thinking what's for dinner every single day. Sometimes I am tired of spending all my free time working. Sometimes I am tired of not being able to hardly brush my teeth or change my clothes without refereeing a fight between kids. Or type a sentence out on this blog without a baby taking too short of a nap. Or eat a meal without someone yelling "mommy" every second. Or clean up a mess without 3 others being made before I'm even done cleaning the 1st one.
I know I'm doing the most important work of my life and it'll be fruitful and all those true things, but simultaneously this "work" also feels like spinning wheels in the mud or banging my head on the wall.
Teaching them everything. How to eat in a polite manner. How to treat me and each other. How to talk nicely. How to pick up after themselves. How to listen and be obedient. How to be responsible. How to not pee on the floor. How to not hurt themselves or each other. How to peel stickers off of paper. How to not use too much toilet paper every time they use the toilet. How to put their wrappers in the trash where they belong. How to put the caps back on markers. How to ride scooters and bikes. How to take naps so I can have some down time. How to spell their names. How to count. How to draw characters. How to swing. How to walk in pubic places without running into people. How we don't touch everything in the store. The volume in which to talk in a public place. How to not get killed by a car when we're out. How to do chores so they can earn money to buy the toys they constantly ask for. How to put gloves on so they can play outside in the winter time. How to put their pants on by themselves. How to wash their bodies and hair in the bath. How to brush their teeth so they don't rot. How to not hit each other when they're mad. How to share. And on and on and on.
God bless all the parents. The relentless work. The tiring work. High fives to all of you in the trenches of parenthood just like we are. Someday we can spend our money on more wine instead of diapers and pull ups and wipes. Someday they'll sleep through the night. Someday they'll cook us dinner. Someday their sibling bonds will shine bright and all the refereeing will be worth it. Someday they won't throw fits and cry so much. Until then, we can keep "cheers-ing" our adult beverages at the end of the day and extra large coffee cups in the morning and day dreaming about a tropical vacation when they're in college.
And in case you were wondering, the top picture is what my life usually feels like right now. And what our bathroom usually looks like right now...thanks to the ever curious 8 month old.
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