When the lid flies off the pot

Some recent events have forced me to get really honest with myself as a person and as a mom.  And this is what I've found out as the honesty has flowed...

• I am an extroverted person and my favorite color is yellow. I love people. I love being active and busy. I love being on the go. I am not a home body. I am energized by being around other people (adults...who speak normal, not children who yell and whine). Being home all the time sounds like a death sentence.

• And also, I am a mom. A stay at home mom. With 3 small children. 3 children who are A LOT of work to take anywhere so a majority of my time is spent in my own house with no other people besides the 3 small children and myself.  Not a lot of time outside the house. Not a lot of other interaction with people. Mostly I wipe butts, cook food, pick the food I cooked up off the floor, clean up messes, do a lot of laundry, put kids in timeout, and try to also have fun, play with them, go on walks, etc.  

These two things listed above seem to have come to a head-on collision in my life since having Tristan.  Three kids has been like a pressure cooker for me and let's just say it's like the lid flew off the pot. 

While it's no fun to see the ugly come out of your heart and be confronted on it, I'm glad it has because it's allowed me to evaluate why I do what I do and also bring back some things that have been missing from my life.

I know in my heart of hearts that Jesus has called me to stay home with our babies right now.  Working outside of the home full time or part time as a mom is not wrong. But I know it is wrong for ME...right now. As I have laid all of my realities and feelings before Lord I've heard him so gently whisper over and over again: Stay where you're at. Stay where you're at. Stay where you're at.  And I'm like: But Lord, I'm dying! I'm a shell of myself. I can't do this. And he's like: I created you to do this.

I know my place right now is here inside these 4 walls with these 3 sweet babies.  Staying home for ME is definitely the harder option. Because of all of the above.  The mental and emotional side of it is a challenge. It is not my natural inclination. But my babies need me.  And I want them to be raised by Zach or I. Zach makes a lot more money than me....so I guess that narrows it down to who stays home. haha. 

But really, I mean, I love my kids. I love being the one to kiss their booboos, cuddle them before nap time, have my name called about the cool bugs they found, watch them laugh together while cooking me food in their play kitchen. I love being the one they ask 400 questions a day, the one to comfort them when they're scared. The one that knows them the best. The one that knows all their preferences, likes, and dislikes.  I truly am lucky to have this stay at home gig and watch them grow up. That is for sure. I know I will never look back and regret being home. I just have to find ways to make it work for me again.

So, in order to climb out of the self-pity, unhappy, frustrated pit I've found my heart in and restore the JOY to my life and my family.... I've jotted down a few things to do:

1. I have to start preparing my heart and mind for this "job" of staying home. Just like people get ready for work everyday, I have to get ready for my work here at home....which requires immense amounts of patience, kindness, gentleness, self control, grace, energy, stamina, and perspective.  So, I have to start getting up before the kids to be in my Word. Because Jesus is the only one who has everything I need to be ready for all these kids throw at me....figuratively that is. Except sometimes not just figuratively with the two year old. We're working on that.

2. Start doing things again that bring me joy..on a consistent basis. Things that AIMEE likes to do.  The house chores are endless and demanding. So I've found myself spending any free time I have just trying to keep up on the dishes, laundry, vacuuming, dusting, putting away toys, etc, so we don't drown in them. But this is not life giving. This is not fun. This does not bring me joy. I have to start spending some of my free time on things that bring me life and refuel me and replenish me. Two I can start doing right away are blogging and exercising. Both are things I love to do and don't cost money. Woohoo! Other things we will have to do more budgeting and planning for are things like going to coffee with a friend or a run around capital lake or a movie with friends or dinner with friends. Basically anything with friends for my extroverted heart. As weird as it may sound, this is going to take a lot of discipline for me. Because I enjoy an organized, clean house.  So leaving the dishes piled high and going for a run at night gives me anxiety.  Leaving the 4 loads of clean laundry laying in the baskets for a couple days so I can spend nap time blogging or resting is not my normal. But a friend recently reminded me that Ecclesiastes tells us that all of life is a toil...hard work.  So it is important that we find purpose and enjoyment in that work and also rest for our hearts and minds.  My family will definitely benefit from a wife and a mom with a rested heart and mind. 

And if i know anything my Jesus it's that his purposes are always multiple.  What if Him asking me to stay home is also for me? So he can use it to mold me and shape me into who he wants me to be? Sometimes following Jesus isn't comfortable.  CHECK the box on this one! I see it as the greatest potter's wheel I've ever been on. But oh what a beautiful end product I will be as I choose to stay on the wheel he's call me to stay on and allow him to mold me and shape me as He sees fit. Because He's a good father. And He loves me more than I can comprehend. And I trust him.  This is just another act of trust in Him...that he knows what He's doing as I leave my life in his hands. Making that choice is never in vain.

Nap time is just about over and so is my break.