Our Journey - Part 1

My stepmom Ann is almost done getting her Master's degree in Family/Marriage Counseling. She asked me to write something about Zach and I's story for her website. I'm going to post it in 3 different parts because it's long! Here's part 1.

Part 1: Broken Beginnings

I grew up with two different houses and two different places that were “home”. My parents
not living together and having separate relationships has always been the norm for me because when I was just 3 years old they got divorced. I have no recollection of my parents being married and no memories of our family of 5 together. I didn’t get the opportunity to experience or see what God designed a marriage and family to really be like.

Thankfully, my mom and dad were never nasty with each other. They were always respectful and cordial. The exchanging of kids when it was the other’s turn to have us was routine and peaceful. For this I am grateful.

But, anyone who has been through divorce knows the deep hurt, pain, anger, frustration,
bitterness, and confusion that go on. It was literally a ripping apart of our family, something that was supposed and intended to last forever. Something was stolen from us that could never be
recovered. Bitterness brewed in me as I grew up because I had to deal with things I didn’t think were fair and things I didn’t ask for! I had to live two weeks here and two weeks there. I had to go to mediation hearings at the court house. I had to watch a single mom struggle to make ends meet. I had to live with brothers who were out of control because they didn’t have a constant father authority in their life. I had to be integrated into a blended family and learn to let step brothers and a step mom in. A lot of nights I would just lie in my bunk bed at my dad and stepmom’s house and weep myself to sleep because of all the chaos. I didn’t have the tools to handle it all as a 7 or 8 year old girl.

All I knew how to do was stuff all of my emotions. So, that’s what I did. The longer the feelings were stuffed, the more toxic they became. I grew these grudges towards my dad. I thought “you were the head of the house, how could you let all of this happen.” The emotions, unforgiveness, and hurt that I didn’t deal with grew year by year into a wall between my dad and I. This wall pushed us apart emotionally and of course domino affected into my relationships with the
opposite sex causing me to look for that love and affection I longed for in immature high school boys (bad choice!).

Because I had a jaded relationship with my earthly dad, I had a tainted view of my heavenly father, too. I think we all do in some aspect, because no dad perfectly resembles God. And God knows this. There is darkness and sin in the world and no one can do it perfectly. Therefore, we need him to come restore what is broken. We need him to come show us the truth in our ungodly beliefs.

In my despair and pit of hurt, he had a plan of redemption. He had a plan to heal the toxic pain inside of me. He had a plan to change the unforgiveness to forgiveness and those ugly grudges into healthy relationships. What the enemy planned for evil He was going to use for good. He had a plan to set me on a different course so I wouldn’t end up making the same cycle of mistakes.