Social Media Break Revelations

At the beginning of January our church invited us all to participate in 21 days of fasting and prayer.  I decided to join in and fasted social media.  Those 21 days passed and I found myself actually apprehensive about downloading Instagram and Facebook on my phone again.  The time off of those apps gave me a new perspective on many things in my life.  And I wanted more of what I had found. So, I decided to keep going!

I do not think social media is evil or bad.  I love it. It provides connection with people far away.  It allows me a social life from my house where I am most of the time raising our babies.  BUT, in my time off of it, I realized some things that weren't so beneficial. 

It is so time consuming! I realized that it was taking away from things I wanted to be a priority in my daily life.  My prayer life, my time in my Bible, my undivided attention to my kids.  It's just too easy to pick up my phone and scroll through people's lives, all the while I'm missing out on my own! 

Instead of scrolling through social media while I nurse Jaxson or while my kids play and I'm not busy for a moment, I spend that time praying for them. Praying for their future spouses. Praying for the gifts and talents God put in them.  Praying for them to hear God's voice and follow it. Praying for them to become people of integrity, honesty, kindness, and strength.  

Also, I don't want the last thing I see before bed and the first thing I see when I wake up to be my phone.  I want to read more. I want to be in my Bible more. So, instead of wasting time on my phone before bed, I read my book.  Instead of grabbing my phone while I drink my coffee in the morning, I grab my bible and journal. I've found great satisfaction in being more disciplined! 

And, instead of feeling this weird pressure to take videos and pictures of everything my kids do so I can post it for the world to see, I feel so free to just enjoy the moments playing with my kids or watching them do fun things instead of trying to hard to capture it to show other people. Like not everyone needs to be a part of our moments!  Honestly, my kids would rather see my eyes than my camera.  They'd rather me live in the moments with them instead of worry about posting the moments. I've found great freedom in having good times and not bragging about them on social media. 

After 5 weeks off now, I really think we use social media at a cost.  It costs us our time, our priorities, and real life interactions.  It can even cost us our own intimacy and privacy.  I feel like I have used social media too much to express myself in the past.  It shouldn't be our diary with the world as our audience.  Our prayer life should be our diary.  Vulnerable moments with safe people we trust should be our diaries.  Those interactions give us what we're really longing for--true connection and authentic relationships.  Social Media can't truly meet those relational needs. 

Also, I've found that social media can be somewhat of a highlight reel.  It is not the full picture of anyone's life.  It is mostly the good times, the pretty things, the clean, neat, and tidy things.  Which is fine.  Most of us aren't trying to hang our dirty laundry for all to see.  BUT what I found is that looking at accounts of all the pretty, neat, tidy, awesome things led me to look down at the not so tidy, neat, pretty, not so awesome things in my life.  It can lead to comparison and shame.  It's like a trick.  Like everyone has it all together except us.  I know that is NOT true.  But it is so easy to create a facade of reality on social media and almost trick yourself into thinking things are one way when they're really not.  I don't want my mind to be flooded with this.  And I don't want to spend time trying to create a false reality.  Or looking at other people's false realities. 

I want to be content. Grateful.  Joyful.  Blessed, not burdened.  And the thing that keeps me off social media for now is this--it is not very life giving.  I need my time and days to be filled with LIFE GIVING things.  Keeping up with a few close friends through one on one conversations.  Being in my bible.  Praying for my marriage and kids.  Reading good books. These things are life giving.  They spur me on in who I want to be.  Social Media does not. 

And if that's not enough to keep me off social media for now--my kids are.  We have 4 little souls in our home that we are raising.  An almost 7, 5, 3, and 1 year old.  They need a lot from us. Physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.  Most days I struggle to feel like what I have to give is enough.  Hence the life giving things I need to spend my time on.  I cannot have anything in my daily life that takes away my focus and mind from these four little ones that need me.  They need me to be focused on Jesus and the things of God. They need me to be so filled up with joy and love that it overflows onto them every day.  They need me to be so encouraged that I'm the most kind and patient with them.  They just need ME. And I'm afraid I cannot be focused and present when my mind and time is on social media.  

I'm so grateful for those 21 days of fasting and prayer.  They imparted to me an urgency and passion for the here and now.  Love and a call of God will lead us to do radical things.  Like lay down social media for the sake of a greater cause and purpose.  When the fear of missing out rises up in me, I look around at my husband and kids and I remind myself "I'm not missing out on them.  I'm not missing out on THIS."  Anything else I'm afraid I'm missing out on....nope, not important. It's a distraction created to disarm me from the life God's called me to here and now.

That Time I Went Swim Suit Shopping After Having 3 Kids

I turned 29 this past February. 
I had my third child a year ago May.
And I went swim suit shopping a couple weeks ago. 

I found a stellar swim suit.  My husband loves it! And I love it! Butttt.....reality hit me in the face that day in the dressing room.

The closer that I've gotten to the big 3-0, the more aware I've become of my slowing metabolism. Gone are the days that I can get away with eating junk and not seeing the effects of it.  No longer can I shovel dessert into my mouth and run it off the next day. Then add in having three (BIG) babies living in my uterus in the past 5 years. The mid section has taken a beating.

I had to make some big decisions that day. Not on the swim suit I'd buy, but on how I'd reconcile these feelings and realities about the skin I'm in.

Will I be confident or insecure? I will be proud or shy & ashamed. Will I love this body even when it's not quite where I want it to be?

Here's the thing you guys; 

This body carried three babies in it for 40+ weeks each. Growing them from the size of a grain of rice to 8 or 9 or 10 lb human beings. Growing little ears, fingers, toes, eyes, hands, feet. Getting all the nutrients needed from MY body for 40+ weeks each. That is AMAZING.

Copelynn - 2013

Easton - 2015

Tristan - 2017

This body labored through and pushed out three large babies. And with no pain meds. I remember every wave of pain, every grueling minute I endured, every hour that I persevered, every moment I didn't think my body could do it, and the spectacular moment when my body finally DID bring those precious little ones into the world. That is INCREDIBLE. 

And this body nursed and fed those three babies. This body solely kept those babies alive for the first 6 months of their little, fragile lives. Giving them all the nutrients and goodness they needed to develop. Whether it was 2pm and 2am. Around the clock. No matter what. Through the cracked, hurting nipples or engorged breasts or the milk supply issues...this body sacrificed so those babies could have mama's milk until 1 year old. (It might've felt like a sacrifice during, but I'm pretty sure the sacrifice is more so on the back end...the aftermath of one's chest post-nursing three kids. lol!) 

Each stretch mark on this body is a reminder of the healthy thriving children who gave me them. Each squish that I wish was not squish is a reminder that this body has had the privilege to bear life!

Maybe you had a baby a couple months ago or a year ago like me.  Maybe 3 years ago or even 5 or 10 years ago and you're not where you want to be yet physically. Its okay! This is your journey and its okay! It's not wrong. It's reality and its okay.  We have to stop comparing ourselves to all the fit people on Instagram and in magazines. We have to stop comparing ourselves to friends or family older than us, younger than us, the same age as us, moms with more kids, moms with less kids, moms with the same amount of kids, women with no kids. Comparison is the thief of joy. And the thief of your CONFIDENCE and SECURITY. I've done this. But I don't want to throw my joy and confidence away anymore. 

I know that I'm worth the discipline to keep reaching towards my goals for my physical body.  To be able to run after these rambunctious kiddos as they get faster and stronger! And set an example for them in diet and exercise and self worth.  But in the mean time while I'm not quite where I want to be yet, I will be kind to myself and believe the truth of what God says about me--I am loved right here and now and beautiful inside and out at each stage of the journey...not just when I reach my goals. When we stop giving weight to what people think about us, we can find our confidence in something else besides the ever changing opinions of others. 

Make no mistake, moms; our daughters will see the way we look at ourselves in the mirror and talk about ourselves. And they will eventually take on our same ways.  So let this be your permission for freedom. Freedom from negative self talk and insecurity. Freedom to be confident where you're at RIGHT NOW. To take care of and love the skin you're in no matter where you're at on the journey.  


So if you've birthed some babies, join me in focusing on and appreciating all the awesome things your body has done instead of comparing it to someone else or even your pre-pregnant self.  I'm pretty proud, and you should be too! 

Don't Neglect Your Gift

I had a topic brewing in my heart yesterday to blog about.  I went over it again and again in my mind throughout the day, trying to keep it fresh until the kids afforded me the opportunity to get it out on paper. 

Then one of our kids had a meltdown. I didn't handle it as I wish I would have and ended up dealing out consequences in complete anger instead of calm, firm love. 

As soon as the ordeal was over and the room was quiet I heard that lying whisper: 

There goes that word you were going to blog about.

You messed up. How could you write about this when you messed up with that.

Hypocrite.

Disqualified.

After mulling it over the rest of the day and sleeping on it, I was like BACK UP DEVIL WITH ALL YOUR LIES. I know those aren't true. 

I know that I've been forgiven, and therefore can forgive not only others, but also myself.

I know that the devil is an accuser and God is a redeemer. 

I know that God doesn't revoke my gifts or talents when I mess up.

I know that I can fall and get right back up again because my righteousness is in Christ, not my own efforts.  Thank goodness. 

I know that we all fall short, and yet in Christ, that doesn't disqualify us. 

I know that my "qualification" to write or speak truth is simply my identity in Christ and nothing else. His love towards me is unconditional. 

And yet, I had decided that nope, I wasn't going to blog about that topic on my heart anymore. I'd keep it inside and that's where it'd stay. It's too risky. It's too vulnerable. 

God had different thoughts on my decision.  I opened up this morning to 2nd Timothy and this is what jumped off the page at me:

"Do not neglect your gift, which was given you through a prophetic message when the body of elders laid their hands on you." 2Timothy 4:14

We all have gifts that need to be used. Other people's lives depend on them.  Gods plan? To use people to help people. We each are the person on one side of that formula for someone else.  

We can't hide it under a rock. We can't tuck it away to never be seen or heard or used.  What a shame. And what a slap in the face to God who gave us certain talents and abilities for very specific reasons and people! 

I recently finished Girl, Wash your Face by Rachel Hollis. In one of the chapters she talks about why she creates and it wrecked me.  She doesn't create for others. She doesn't create for accolades or applause. She doesn't read reviews anymore on what she creates. She creates because it's a gift God gave her and she loves to do it. She loves the way it gives life to her bones. It doesn't matter if one person in the entire world likes what she puts out there. What matters is what using her artistry does for HER soul. 

I soooooo needed to hear this! And that is my M.O. from here on out.  I don't care how many people like my posts. I don't care how many people leave a comment. I don't care how many people share anything I put out there. I want to write because God gave me the heart to do it and as I let that gift flow, I believe it'll give a new life and excitement and JOY to my soul.  It's my job to steward what God's given me and His job to use it. 

Update since we Moved

We left the place we called home for 10 years on May 18th.  The place and church where we met, fell in love at, the city we grew together as a young married couple, the place we worked and lived life with our friends in, the place we found out we were pregnant with three precious babies in 5 years.  The place we let our roots go DEEP.  The place we were building our life.

We lived in a fifth wheel camper for 6 weeks. That was interesting.  If you ask Zach, he'll tell you I was weirdly excited. But that excitement wore off quicker than ice melts in the summer.  All the while, two of those six weeks Zach was back in Washington training for his new remote position and I was in Ohio with our three very young children that got less precious and more crazy by the day! I held down the fort...er, the camper, for 12 days and it was trying. I missed my friends. I missed my life. But Zach came back and we all breathed a huge sigh of relief.

So after Zach got back we moved into his parent's basement which kind of resembles a two bedroom + kitchen + living room apartment...connected to their house.

Back track a little bit to April. We listed our house on April 2. Accepted an offer a week and couple days later. Signed all the papers to close the day we left WA: May 18th.  I quit my job in FAITH that we would close May 18th, use the profit of our house to pay off all our debt and therefore be completely financially free for us to not need my income.  And then also, obviously, buy a new house here in Ohio.

Well, fast forward to today, July 22, and we have not closed on our home. The loan that kept getting extended and extended from May to July, that we prayed over and over again to close, finally 100% fell through this past week.

Our house is actually going back onto the market next week for us to start back at square one.

Talk about disappointing. Frustrating. Maddening.  Confusing.

I've felt all sorts of things during this whole process. As if moving our family of 5 across the country wasn't challenging and emotional enough...add in this house nightmare and WOW....lots of tears, lots of desperate cries out to God wondering what in the world is going on.

Going from an incredible 2000 sq foot house with a fenced back yard in a dream of a neighborhood to living like nomads with 3 kids in a new state is less than ideal.

One night while Zach was in WA for work, he let me know for the umpteenth time the loan fell through.  That happened a handful of times, going back and forth.  But this time I found myself sobbing while doing dishes after I finally wrangled the 5, 3, and 1 year olds to bed.  It was all just too much.  Like, I didn't sign up for this, guys!

"God this was NOT the plan."
"God, I told you all my eggs were in your basket."
"I trusted you."
"I quit my job in FAITH that this house was selling."
"I gave up everything and you're not seeing us through."
"I do not see your hand in this"
"I'm going back to Washington."
"I'm not going to church anymore."
"I"m done trusting you."
"This faith life is too hard."

Some of the feelings I had welling up inside of me were not pretty.  But I just let it out. Because I know God isn't scared of my feelings. He's bigger than my negativity. He's bigger than my disbelief. He's bigger than my nearsightedness. He's bigger than my doubt. He's bigger than my sorrow. He's bigger than my hurt.  He can handle my big, big feelings.

I proceeded to tell him "God I HAVE to have a word from you. I cannot function as the mom I have to function as with all of this going on unless you give me a divine, heaven-sent word tonight."

God: "Daniel 3"

Flip to Daniel 3 in my Bible.

It's the story of the three dudes that get thrown into a fire but come out unhurt.

And here is the heaven-sent word that I have been clinging to since that night...in the midst of my big disappointment, big sorrow, big frustration, big confusion:

"He ordered the furnace heated 7 times hotter than usual and commanded some of the strongest soldiers in his army to tie up Shadrach, Meshach, and Abendego and throw them into the furnace." Daniel 3:19-20

Our situation felt like THIS.  The stress, the pressure, and bad luck has been turned up 7 times hotter than we've known.  More disappointment, more out of control and overwhelmed than we've known.

BUT:

"The fire had not harmed their bodies nor was a hair of their heads singed; their robes were not scorched and there was no smell of fire on them." Daniel 3:27

There's the kicker. There's the  promise to hold onto.  He won't let this experience harden our hearts or leave us jaded for the rest of our lives. The damage it should do, it won't.

Deep down, my main fear was this!  I've never trusted God like this before.  And here I am, never more disappointed, either.  This experience has made me question and want to stay in my wallowing doubt, fear, and anger.  But I have a God that cares so much about me and my heart that he  prophesies that my heart won't be hard forever. My heart won't be jaded.

Don't we all come to these moments in our lives where our faith is tested and we really have to decide what we believe and will live?

I've found my peace in feeling the feelings. Expressing them in prayer and writing.  But letting my heart be stirred back to Him by his sweet promises in the Word.  And not allowing my circumstances to override the TRUTH of the Word of God.

Thankfully we have found a wonderful church here that is a little slice of what we knew and loved in Washington. Walking into it is like a big hug from a family member when you've been away for awhile.  A little piece of "home." I look forward to it every Sunday.

And in the midst of this nightmare house process, I've decided to find something to be thankful for everyday and pin it on my wall.  And count the fruit of this season. Because it is there.

Our house goes back for sell soon. If you're interested in an awesome house in Lacey, WA check it out.  If you're interested in following along on this journey, stay tuned :)


Also, if it speaks to you, here's the playlist I've had on repeat:

Oh My Soul - Casting Crowns
God of all my Days - Casting Crowns
Undone - Kim Walker-Smith
Awaken Love - Kim Walker-Smith
Throne Room - Kim Walker-Smith
The Garden - Kari Jobe
Isn't He (This Jesus) - The Belonging Co ft. Natalie Grant
Holy Ground - Passion
Build My Life - Passion